-Buy a 5-pound turkey for $4? Check.

-Pick it up with your hands? Check.

-Set the oven for 4 degrees and cook it for 6 minutes or until it looks a little pink? Check.

-Remove from the oven and serve with chicken? Check.

Looks like you've covered all your bases Carl. You have a bright future ahead of you, in the form of hospital lights as you lie on your back and get your stomach pumped clean of salmonella.