Tragedy struck the penis kingdom on this day. Curiously, the giant penis is cut, yet the man below is dead. Perhaps he can no more bear the sight of a chopped penis than I can, and he'd rather kill himself than allow three maidens stand idly by, shag-free and cocklessly sullen.

I don't know what the fuck you were going for here.

Well, I can't say I disagree: even my cock doesn't have a smiley face, two heads and a body with limbs holding a painter's palette.

Well Kade, I'd say you're the black sheep of the family, if it weren't for the fact that you have no family. Forget about sheep, let's just talk about shapes: there are none. You don't even have discernable objects in your family.

You suck full-time, even on holidays.

I'm no expert on sled dogs, but I'm pretty sure that's a Human Centipede. Come now indeed.

This was supposed to be a restoration of a 19th-century fresco called "Ecce Homo," or "behold the man," depicting Jesus:

Instead, Cecilia painted a bird-like Jesus wearing a Russian ushanka hat with chin strap, beak-nose, beady Gibbon-like eyes and a smeared whore-mouth.

As if being nailed to a cross wasn't bad enough, now Jesus apparently has to contend with a fat neck and the wrath of an 80-year-old Spaniard with too much time on her hands and an inflated sense of her artistic ability.

And yes, this is real.